Even Mass Murderers Need Friends

June 11, 2012 

Even Mass Murderers Need Friends

Norway is home to perhaps the most inmate-friendly prison in the world (as mentioned previously in "News of the Weird"), but the correctional system has an imminent crisis, as Anders Behring Breivik (the confessed killer of 77 people last year) is nearing formal conviction and sentencing. Officials fear the sociopathic Breivik will try to kill inmates to add to his toll, yet Norwegian law forbids solitary confinement as cruel. Consequently, according to a May report by Norway's Verdens Gang newspaper, the officials have begun a search to select, hire and train appropriate "friends" to hang out with Breivik behind bars to win his trust and prevent further mayhem. Among Breivik's favorite recreational distractions: chess and hockey.

Cultural Diversity

-- Collections of comically poor translations are legion, but the Beijing municipal government, in sympathy with English-speaking restaurant-goers, published a helpful guidebook recently of what the restaurateurs were trying, though inartfully, to say. In an April interview with the authors, NBC News learned the contents of "Hand Shredded A$$ Meat" (sic) (merely donkey meat) and other baffling English descriptions (all taken from actual menus), such as "Cowboy Leg," "Red-Burned Lion Head," "Blow-up Flatfish With No Result," and the very unhelpful "Tofu Made by Woman With Freckles" and "Strange Flavor Noodles."

-- Competitive facial-hair-growers are revered in some countries, with Pakistan and India featured in recent reports. Pakistani Amir Muhammad Afridi, 42, whose handlebar lip hair extends in an arc almost to the top of his head, told reporters he had to move from his rural home to the more secular Peshawar because of threats that his pride and joy was un-Islamic. And the Guinness Book record- holder, Ram Singh Chauhan, 54, of India, offered grooming tips in an interview with BBC News, revealing that he keeps his 14-foot-long moustache conditioned by cleaning and combing it for an hour each day (treated with coconut-based hair oil) and lamented that he must wind it around his neck to keep it from interfering with his daily activities.

-- In the spirit of the empowerment of dissidents around the world, activists in Ukraine and South Africa recently erected downright disrespectful statues lampooning leaders. In Kiev and the western city of Lvov, Ukraine, activists unveiled 5-foot-high statues of former Soviet dictator Josef Stalin urinating. (Police in both cities took them down quickly, however.) And South African artist Brett Murray museum-exhibited a red, black and yellow acrylic painting of President Jacob Zuma ("Hail to the Thief II") with his genitals exposed, an allusion to Zuma's having beaten a rape charge in 2006. (The Goodman Gallery in Johannesburg, which first resisted pressure, agreed in May to remove the painting.)

-- Japan's Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare announced in April that it would begin a national inquiry over the alarming number of bathtub deaths in 2011 -- nearly three times the number of those killed in traffic accidents. News reports pointed out that many Japanese workers relax in tubs at the end of the day, even when they have overimbibed and are vulnerable to drowning.

Wait -- That's Illegal?

(1) In Kent, Washington, in May, Yong Hyun Kim, 21, was charged with assault at a movie house. Annoyed by a group of kids in the row behind him who were constantly talking, laughing and throwing popcorn during "Titanic," Yong slapped the nearest boy, bloodying his nose and knocking out a tooth. (2) In Pirmasens, Germany, in May, a 61-year-old woman was fined the equivalent of almost $1,000 for assault. Frustrated by telemarketers' constantly cold-calling her, she took it out on one by blowing a whistle into the telephone, allegedly causing permanent damage to the telemarketer's hearing.

Latest Religious Messages

-- Google Trends notes that five of the top seven countries in the world whose residents search "sex" are Muslim, and in Iran, especially, a "virtual cottage industry" has developed of clerics turning into amateur sexologists, according to the May/June Foreign Policy -- often with mockable results. For example, one cleric declared, "If a person has intercourse with a cow, a sheep or a camel," it is not proper to consume the animal's milk. Leaders, from former president Abolhassan Bani-Sadr (who believed that women's hair emits sexual rays) to the current Ayatollah Khamenei (who approves the concept of Islamic "temporary marriages" that justify quick assignations) promote internal friskiness while at the same time denouncing outsiders (especially Americans) for attempting to corrupt the country's morals.

-- Two veteran Church of England vicars were in the news in May for their unique approaches. Rev. Andy Kelso left the church after 25 years to start an Elvis Presley Gospel Tribute act as "Elvis Prayersley." Said Kelso, "I felt God say to me very strongly, 'Take Elvis to the church.'" And Rev. Nick Davies of Cheltenham, England, promises to continue breathing fire part-way through his sermons (to mark Pentecost, in which the Holy Spirit descends on Jesus' disciples, appearing as "tongues of flame").

-- Hard Month for Gays and Lesbians: Internet video excerpts of church services, all posted during May, recorded Christian pastors prescribing harsh futures for homosexuals. Pastor Sean Harris (Fayetteville, N.C.) recommended roughing up a limp-wristed son if the boy acts effeminately (but said later he was joking). Pastor Ron Baity (Winston-Salem, N.C.) wants gays and lesbians "prosecuted" (though the excerpt was not clear what particular statute was violated). Pastor Charles Worley (Maiden, N.C.) wants gays and lesbians rounded up and isolated behind an electrified fence so they won't breed to the larger population. Pastor Curtis Knapp (Seneca, Kan.) said "the government" should just kill them all (according to biblical commandment, he said). Pastor Dennis Leatherman (Oakland, Md.) likes "the idea" of killing them but added that it would be wrong. And at the Apostolic Truth Tabernacle in Greensburg, Ind., a 3-year-old boy's rendition of "Ain't no homo going to make it to heaven" also made it around the world on the Internet.

Chutzpah!

-- Ms. Stormy Moody was arrested and charged with aggravated burglary in Henderson County, Tenn., in May after her next-door neighbor returned from a trip and discovered that quite a few items (from the petty to the more expensive) were missing from the home. For some reason, Moody felt secure enough to be wearing some of the clothing as she chatted sympathetically with the victim about the missing items.

-- Most public officials caught "sexting" immediately turn remorseful, but not Michigan appeals court judge Wade McCree III. In April, when the husband of a female bailiff in McCree's court saw that the judge had sent the bailiff a shirtless photo of himself, McCree told a curious reporter for Detroit's WJBK-TV, "Hot dog, yep, that's me." "I've got no shame in my game." "I'm in no more clothes than I'll be at the Y this afternoon when I swim my mile." The still-irate husband said he would pursue a judicial commission complaint against McCree.

People Different From Us

(1) Calvin Hill, 54, was arrested in Greenwood, S.C., in May after allegedly stabbing a 41-year-old man with whom he was arguing in the back seat of a car. The police report stated that the men were arguing "about who can have the most sex." (2) WJBK-TV reported in June that two men in the Brightmoor neighborhood of Detroit wound up in a gunfight over which one made Kool-Aid better. (Neither man was hit, but two bystanders were reportedly wounded.)

Recurring Themes

In Stockholm, N.Y., in May, a 24-year-old man became the most recent to have a friend shoot him just because the man wanted to know what it felt like to get shot. The friend, Shawn Mossow, 25, relented, finally, and fired a .22-caliber rifle shot into the man's leg, but the man is expected to make a full recovery.

CORRECTION: Contrary to "News of the Weird" of 5-27-2012, prominent "breatharian" Ellen Greve is not dead, which clearly means that she has been cheating on the "sun and air only" diet that she promoted during the 1990s. In reading a news story, I must have confused Greve with one of her followers (who apparently faithfully observed the diet).

Visit Chuck Sehpherd daily at NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com or www.NewsoftheWeird.com. Send your Weird News to WeirdNewsTips@yahoo.com.

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