With the advent of “Welcome to Myrtle Manor,” well, we just can’t help but feel all neighborly and chit. There are just so many more opportunities for world-class television reality entertainment right here in our little corner of the world, so here are a few free ideas for the folks at TLC, A&E, and any other no-budget cable operation out there:
• “Pimp My Coondog” - Don’t laugh, homies. Some men down here will trade their wife before having their best coondog go without. Perhaps Myrtle Manor’s resident hair stylist Roy could moonlight as the Pompadour Prince of Pooch Makeovers. Trust us on this one, you ain’t lived till you’ve seen a purple blue-tick hound with pink nails and a matching little “I’m So Butch!” bib.
“Real Housewives of Bucksport” - An inner portal to the finer points of keeping up airs in the greater Bucksport community. It’s a little plot-thin, to be honest, but whenever differences between these women become too much to bear, someone usually gets shot. Or bush axed. Some of our women are really good at that chit.
• “Dancing With The Bikers” - This popular local show features the City of Myrtle Beach matched up with hundreds of thousands of pissed off bikers. We smell spinoff! No, wait, it’s just leftover lost lawsuit.
• “So You Think You’re Smarter Than A Stripper?” - Always fun and highly entertaining, this show pits the brightest pole dancers on the Grand Strand against an array of vacationing golfers. Spoiler Alert: It’s always Captain’s Choice in the VIP Room.
• “Beachwear Store Wars” - Oh hell, it’s game on! More tissue-thin 100-for-a-$1 T-shirts and “Going Out For Business” banners than you can shake a dead hermit crab at. With subtitles.
• “Project Red-light” - Courtesy of the South Carolina Department of Transportation, this docuthriller shows how many people are killed at intersections that are in dire need of a signal light, before someone gets off the dime and comes up with the funding to have one installed. A local favorite for years.
• “Breaking Up The Band” - Wave after wave of wannabe rockers, broken by the skeleton of a rock market deep within the bowels of Myrtle Beach and the surrounding clubs and venues. Like ships upon the rocks, many a promising group has suffered a mortal falling out at the hands of a cruel music scene, stoked by a schizophrenic attendance record by the locals.
• “The Skeeter Whisperer” - Starring Cyrus “Skeeter” Bellamy, who can coax entire populations of mosquitoes away from public events - for a price. Not for the squeamish, or the pale and thin.
• “Prawn Stars” - Local shrimpers tire of ruined seasons and engage in creating a coastal hatchery for prawn, or as we call ‘em, crawfish. You laugh now, but wait until hamburger is $25 per pound. You’ll be begging for a McCrawnugget with a side of roe.
• “Anger Management: Horry Edition” - In the debut episode, watch guest star Charlie Sheen completely melt down with the realization he will never match the level of batshit stalker crazy achieved by local politician Thad Viers who is facing burglary and larceny charges.
• “Last Mayor Standing” - The trials and tribulations of current mayor, mayoral candidates and other city council folks in the Town of Atlantic Beach who have been arrested or indicted at least once during their tenure in office. Cop dash-cam footage always a plus in choosing a loser. Or winner. Same thing.
• “Who Wants To Be A Submarine?: Banner Plane Edition” - Local banner companies fly barely-up-to-specs aircraft over heavily populated beaches while pulling overweight banners in atrocious cross-, head- and tailwinds. Whoever crashes the most planes without killing any tourists wins. (Locals are safe because they’re never on the beaches during the summer, they’re all WORKING.) Premier: A new company starts up by building a runway in a tobacco field just outside of Socastee, which ironically enough is a Chicora Indian word for “place to crash our planes.”
Brian M. Howle, for Weekly Surge