The hate-mail files
Sometimes I have to channel my inner Sally Field and say You hate me. You really, really hate me.
I base that on the e-mails that I get from readers of this column. Most of the people who send me the angry e-mails are upset because I am advocating the overthrowing of all moral disciplines and any remaining family values. Thats a fairly impressive agenda. I wonder how I can accomplish all of this without hiring an assistant?
I receive a substantial amount of e-mail that sounds like it could come from FOX News pundits and those people who think that Fred Phelps is a legitimate minister of the Gospel. In celebration of this, I have decided to share one of the best of the best with you. And because I am such a nice guy, I have changed the name of the writer in order to protect the unenlightened. Seriously, its not even phonetically close.
A gentle reader I will call Gil was one of the more graphic and definitely one of the most animated contributors to my hate mail files. He advised me to find a nice woman and to experiment with sex the way God intended it to be. His conclusion on gay people is that we are all utterly ridiculous and true to form, holds us completely responsible for all of the natural disasters in the world. Thats right, from earthquakes to hurricanes to genocide, it is all about the gays. If you are easily offended, I would advise you to stop reading now. On the other hand, if quotes from stupid people amuse you and provide you with anecdotes for the cocktail hour, then read on.
Queer sex is nothing more than bestiality. Any guy who performs oral sex on his buddy has a secret desire to be with an animal. The act of sodomy where one man tries to impregnate another man will always result in a miscarriage that will end up in the toilet. Queers and homos are unclean and they endanger dentists everywhere because they do not floss or use mouthwash after oral sex. The more people like you rage to destroy society the closer you are to your own destruction. In the meantime, God is destroying our planet because of you. People like me will be watching you from far away and we will enjoy it, I know all of the perverted things that you do and I will be happy to see you charged with your sins. In case you never heard about it, read Genesis 19 to find out what you are in for. I will be laughing to see you hurt.
Where to begin?
First, you have to dismiss all rules of grammar and composition. Based on the full content of Gils e-mail I can only assume he spends far too much time reading bathroom walls and an uncommon amount of time thinking about gay sex. I wont start on the Sodom and Gomorrah issue because its just ignorant. I file that one right up there with being turned into a pillar of salt. Speaking of salt, I did reply to Gil and advise him that bath salts can kill and he should stop ingesting them.
There was nothing terribly new in his accusations but I did find it interesting that he connected so effortlessly to bestiality. Personally, I am not sure how one makes that leap. Anyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I cant tolerate cats (sorry, thats another column) and that dogs tend to cause me to self-medicate when I spend more than a couple of days around them. All other animals, be they cattle, goats or barnyard fowl, just frighten me. My ex was a dog-lover and I couldnt even manage to feel romantic if his Chihuahuas were in the room watching me and judging me.
Gil, like many others. tended to go full Old Testament on me with the judgment and the accusations. I suppose I may be guilty of having an agenda, but I think most people who wake up every day have one. The big difference is that my agenda doesnt involve any hate whereas Gil is marking the calendar waiting for what I can only assume will be a series of very specifically aimed sink holes to open up and rid the world of all its homos. Im not sure how that would impact the environment or the landscape but the results would be devastating to the HGTV and Bravo networks. On the other hand, it would create a boost in the demand for haircuts at Fantastic Sams.
I kindly advised Gil that while I appreciated his concern, I would also not be test-driving any female genitalia in the near future. Since I found so much humor in his observations, his e-mail received a special place in my Binder of Idiocy. I like to keep things in there that make me feel good about what I do. Pushing buttons is a favorite pastime for me. When people like Gil respond, at least I know someone is reading.
OUT & ABOUT
Friday, April 5 First Friday Happy Hour will take place at Longbeards Bar & Grill from 5:30-7:30 p.m. Longbeards is at 5040 Carolina Forest Blvd. in Myrtle Beach. It is directly off River Oaks Drive where Carolina Forest Blvd. continues toward S.C. 31. Longbeards is a new venue for this event. Lets show the business what a great group of people we have and turn out in force. For additional information on the restaurant, visit www.longbeardsgrill.com. For additional information on First Friday Happy Hour events, visit www.firstfridayhappyhour.org.
Have a thought, comment or Out & About event? Send Drew Levy-Neal an e-mail to Drew.Levy.Neal@gmail.com. You can also follow him on Twitter: @Drew_Levy_Neal.