Myrtle Beach’s kookiest crimes for Feb. 6, 2014

For Weekly SurgeFebruary 5, 2014 

Lifestyles of the Rich and Foolish

We dream of the day when we’re so wealthy that we’d not bat an eye at purposefully damaging ridiculously expensive cars.

That’s exactly what Myrtle Beach police were dealing with in the early-morning hours of Feb. 2.

Officers were called to a South Ocean Boulevard resort in reference to an assault. Three women were spending time with a man in his hotel room earlier in the evening before all heading out to a bar.

According to the incident report, the women drove back to the hotel in a Toyota Corolla. The man then pulled up next to them in his Jaguar and started to insult them.

Then, he reportedly rammed the Corolla three or four times with his Jaguar.

Yes, apparently over the course of the evening, something transpired that led this man to, on purpose, cause what we assume is significant damage to a brand of car whose 2014 XF model starts at slightly less than $47,000.

Fortunately, there were no major injuries to any of the women. One of them did suffer some minor injuries, according to the report.

One of the women told police she had been talking to the man for a few days but had never met him in person until that night. She gave authorities his cell number and police contacted him.

The man said he would not provide his name or date of birth and wouldn’t return to the scene, as he’d left Myrtle Beach to see friends, the report stated. He reportedly said his lawyer from Orlando, Fla., would be handling all matters from here on out.

When police asked how to get in touch with the attorney, the man told them to, “Google it,” the report stated.

Do the words “pretentious douche bag” come to mind to anyone else, or is it just us?

To Quote Chris Berman: “Come On, Man!”

We despise violence of any type, especially against innocent people. So, these three “upstanding citizens” aren’t going to get their tabs paid for by us anytime soon.

Just before 4:30 a.m. on Jan. 22, a man was walking near 17th Avenue South and Yaupon Drive in Myrtle Beach when he was assaulted by three men, according to a Myrtle Beach police incident report.

These three crown jewels of society reportedly hit the man, causing him to fall. And then, they kicked the poor guy until he lost consciousness.

According to the report, when the victim regained consciousness 30 to 45 minutes later, he discovered that the assailants made off with … $7.

Police searched nearby stores to see if anyone recognized the men based on the description the victim provided, but no one had seen them.

The man reportedly suffered a swollen eye and a possible broken shoulder.

Hope the lone extra value meal those three were able to afford from their score compensates for their lack of a soul.

When Hilary Clinton Speaks, This Woman Takes Notice

The only thing missing from this police call were tin-foil hats and jars of urine.

On Jan. 15, Myrtle Beach police were dispatched to an apartment complex off Jefferson Place in reference to a woman yelling and throwing things.

The woman told police she was alone in the apartment and had been for awhile. The reason for all the yelling and throwing was because her children “kept running real fast and then disappearing,” according to the police incident report.

Wait, didn’t she just tell the police she’d been alone in the apartment for a long time?

The woman reportedly then told authorities her kids used to be small, but are now really small. Oh, and they’re in the dryer.

Police were allowed to look in the dryer, where they found clothes and pictures of children, the report stated. The woman said she didn’t know where her children went, but then would say that she saw them hanging.

We assume the hanging reference should have included the words “out,” “back by the pool” or anything to tack on that doesn’t give us thoughts of criminal executions in the 1800s.

Also, the woman made several references to China, but police were unclear about why she kept saying it. They asked her if she had any family in the area, and she reportedly said her mom “went to where Hilary Clinton told her not to go.”

Police determined that there wasn’t a reason to take the woman into emergency protective custody at that time, the report stated. She was reportedly not a danger to herself or others at the time, and appeared clean and well nourished.

This whole thing leaves us with more questions than the finale of “Lost.”

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